The nephew of Abby and Martha, and brother to Teddy and Jonathan. A very likable drama critic, Mortimer is engaged to Elaine Harper. He is a good-hearted cynic whose world is about to be turned upside down. This is a physical role, requiring the actor to completely “let go.” Mortimer drives the show; from the discovery of the first body, he must be electrified and maintain that energy throughout. Physical comedy, perfect timing in dialogue delivery, a likable presence, and agility in navigating rapidly changing scene circumstances are absolutely necessary.

A very likable, kindhearted brother to Mortimer and Jonathan, and nephew of Abby and Martha. Teddy believes he is the 26th President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt. This physical role demands extreme dedication and energy, particularly when charging up stairs and yelling “CHARGE!”

The nephew of Abby and Martha Brewster, and brother to Teddy and Mortimer. Jonathan is a psychopath with numerous murders to his credit and no scruples. He is creepy, loves his murderous “business,” and has an incredibly short temper. Dr. Einstein has altered Jonathan’s face three times, with his current appearance resembling Boris Karloff (a topic he is sensitive about). This role requires some physical work.

A German plastic surgeon, complete with accent, and Jonathan’s mousey, submissive right-hand man. Einstein should be portrayed as a good person whose life has gone awry, inspiring audience sympathy. With a somewhat ratty appearance, his face bears the benevolent smirk of a man living in a pleasant haze of alcohol.

Makes a cameo appearance only in the opening scene. He is Elaine Harper’s father, a doctor of divinity, and the minister of the church next door to the Brewster house. The Brewster sisters have seen many ministers come and go but are particularly fond of Dr. Harper, and vice versa. The actor should exude polish, refinement, and mild-mannered sensitivity. He is not in favor of Mortimer and Elaine’s relationship.

The first police officer introduced in the show, a thoroughly likable fellow making his rounds collecting Christmas toys for the needy. This cameo role requires some physical work.

A flatfoot Brooklyn officer who makes his rounds with Officer Brophy, also collecting Christmas toys. This is a cameo role.

A quintessential Irish-American police officer: full of life, good-natured, and played broadly. He is on very good terms with the Aunts. O’Hara is an aspiring playwright who plainly displays nagging, persistent ambition once he discovers Mortimer is a famous dramatic critic. Well-intentioned, O’Hara doesn’t mean to come across as annoying as he does. This is a cameo role.

An elderly gentleman who wishes to rent a room from the Brewster sisters and nearly falls victim to their “charity.” He is initially gruff but quickly warms up upon being offered a treat he hasn’t had since childhood. This is a cameo role.

The commanding officer at the local police precinct. Early in the show, the audience understands the caliber of men he manages, leading to his minimal patience for blunders and mistakes. He runs a tight ship, is loud, decisive, and clearly in charge of every situation. This is a cameo role.

The mild-mannered and kind superintendent of Happy Dale Sanitarium. This is a cameo role.